What does it really mean to love someone? I feel like there must be as many versions of love as there are people because I’ve never loved two people the same way. Even romantic love can shine in so many different ways. This is the conclusion I came to as I was lying next to him, our naked bodies entangled.
I just found out that he gets all shy and awkward when complimented, and it’s one of the most adorable things in the world. I tell him that he’s adorable and get a silly squeak or a joke in return. He doesn’t know how to react. I just smile and place my leg over his.
I think, this is the closest feeling I’ve felt to true love. Being completely vulnerable with him and receiving nothing but acceptance and warmth in return. This is all that I’ve been longing for my entire life. I know that I’ll never receive true acceptance and love from my family. It just won’t happen. So life has always felt a bit lonely as I was getting to know people while not having any secure attachments to anyone. I struggled to stay level-headed when all that my inner child wanted was love and affection. Sometimes I still struggle.
I often find myself wanting acceptance, love, and warmth from people I’m not even that close to. Just because we had sex, I now want to feel loved and needed by the person, despite often not seeing any future with them. Why? Because I’ve been starved of love all of my life. Imagine going without water for weeks, before finally finding some. It might not be the best quality, but you’ll take the risk and drink it anyway because you’re that desperate. That’s how I frequently felt and still feel about seeking love.
But with him, it’s different. He is a safe space that I never had in my life, and I love him for that. Is love too strong of a word? Is it too soon for love? I don’t know. Even if I’m not in love with him yet, I’m certainly getting there. How could I not? With him, I can let my inner child out to play with his. He has seen me at my lowest, yet never judged. He is patient. And, in a way, he is all that I wanted my father to be, all that my father never was.
Dear reader, it’s been a while, but I’m finally falling in love again, and it feels terrifying and wonderful at the same time.